So you say you can’t sleep…

So you can’t f’in sleep … Again …

1. Try, try so hard. Flip the pillow to the cold side. Are you comfortable yet? No. Are you having sleep anxiety yes. Begin counting down the hours, “If I fall asleep now, I’ll get five hours of sleep.”

2. Get up and get some water. Look at yourself in the bathroom mirror and tell yourself “you look awful, get some rest”. Now you’re crazy for talking to yourself out-loud.

3. Turn on your night light and stare at the ceiling. Think about all the things weighing on your mind. Obsess. Then obsess some more. Then freak out about obsessing.

4. You need to stop obsessing! Should you read? No, that would be too productive of time spent.

5. Turn on the TV. Nothing is on… Nothing.

6. Get up again and go to the fridge. Find nothing. Go to the pantry. Find nothing. Get down on yourself for even thinking about eating at that hour anyway. What’s the point?

7. Find some vodka. Chug it. You’ve heard doing so has proven to help in passing out.

8. Browse Amazon Prime for about a half hour before deciding on something you can watch. Don’t pick something you actually want to watch because you may fall asleep. So browse forever to find something you like that you have seen before so that you don’t miss out on anything.

9. Begin watching whatever boring movie you picked out. Fall asleep five minutes in.

10. Wake up the next day feeling god awful and tired. Repeat the following night.


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